Bipolar and My Life

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Mixed episode while i was gone

So during my time away i went off my med for two reasons because i thought it was causing my skin to peel and i thought maybe i don’t really have Bipolar. I SO DO! I was dealing with a bit of depression being off the med then around end of july i started to enter a mixed episode.. I was very very horny, racing thoughts, depress, angry, couldn’t fall to sleep because of racing thought, VERY vivid dreams, whenever i am manic even if mixed… i end up having a totally different goal than i originally had. (like last year i almost dropped out of school because i swore i was gonna become a famous burlesque dancer and i swear i thought the universe was telling me to.) Mostly the increase libido was major in my mixed episode. Sorry if TMI but i was pleasuring myself every night. I still am very very horny. I want to rip my skin off.. i feel trapped in my skin.. Hopefully someone can relate to that feeling. Like your flesh is holding you back from doing all you have to do. 

 

I cried the next day after seeing my psychiatrist because i realize, yes i truly have the disorder. I didn’t tell him i was in a mixed episode… at least i have no memory of it. I didn’t tell him because someone said to me “you can’t have insight when your in a mixed episode or any episode” which i think is bologna, but still held me back from telling psychiatrist just incase the person was right. I wish i did tell him. I looked at my billing and saw my diagnostic code which was 296.63… So i assume he thinks i’m bipolar with a lot of mixed episodes. I must agree for the last two he has seen me in.

I wonder why it’s so hard for me to sometimes tell him what’s going on… when i’m in that state and even when i realize. I think maybe cuz in a back of my mind.. i have an explanation when really i’m just in a bipolar state of mind.

Anyone feel they have a frog in their throat when trying to tell their doctor what is going on…even though you know something isn’t right.. you just seem to not be able to fathom at that time that anything is wrong?

 *I’m back on zyprexa at 15mg, love zyprexa so much*

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Abuse

I was in many abusive situations.

When I was little my father didn’t want children so he was angry I exist. Maybe I emulate some aspect of himself that he hates as well. I am trying to write a post to bring out these deep emotions in me. I am trying to work through them in therapy. My main group of friends were male. I got along better with males. And now I se everyone as a walking bomb just ready to explode and I will be the bystander that gets hurt. I am so guarded now. I spoke to my therapist about my abuse and she just said to see it as a spectrum one end very open and trusting the other end closed and distrustful. You need to be in the middle or close to the middle. I left my home when I was 15 to get away from my father. To only meet a man 11 years older than me who took my virginity and verbally abused me. I wish he hit me, but he wouldn’t because I come from a family who has a legal background. So my cousins would have gotten on him. I always ask myself is there something wrong with me. I know the chance to be free is to forgive them, but I am afraid if I forgive them then I will just fall back in the trap. I kinda wish my father was dead it would relieve so much anxiety, but that is evil to wish upon someone. I do not want to call down evil on anyone. I now react in anger as a defense mechanism. But, people do not understand why I get so defensive. They think I am quick to anger, but really I am not. I am the most patient accepting person possible. My father has called down evil on me with his anger. He would whisper in my ear that he wish I was dead, that I would get hit by a train, get in horrible car accident. He use to physically abuse me when I was little. But, as I got older he became more verbally abusive. I hurt myself a lot.. I have suicide ideation, I want to escape this reality. Maybe that’s why I have schizoaffective disorder. Maybe it’s the sane reaction to insane circumstances like Eleanor Longden said. I need to put the past behind me and keep the lessons it has taught me, but it’s so hard to forget the past. I was also stalked by a guy for 3 years during the abuse too. He would tell people lies, touch me, have his friends and him watch me…… just a man who tried to isolate me/alienate me from everyone. Then a guy friend that I thought was my friend went around and told people that we slept together… just I lost my ability to trust people, I lost my passion, I just feel dead and going through the motions.

Spiritual encounter VS. Psychosis

spiritual or psychosis

If you hit paranoia/chaos then you have to ask yourself if deep down inside you truly feel it is psychosis

THINK OF THIS AS A CYCLE CHART…..IS THIS A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE CYCLE IN YOUR LIFE

OCD AND HOW I EXPERIENCE IT

My OCD seems to be with paranoid like things.

I will Obsess over something like:

(i kinda consider some of my obsessive thinking.. intrusive thoughts too, but they are more random,but they do fit in some kind of theme below)

  • someone is out to get me (poisoning me too)
  • something -psychicly/spiritual- is out to get me
  • some bad event will happen
  • contamination

Compulsions:

  • looking for signs.. i will obsess over things and look for hiding messages and signs
  • check thing
  • repeatedly say things (in head or out loud)
  • pray
  • rock back and fourth/pace
  • hoard things (i never know what obsessive thought is connected to it but i think i has more to do with power and control…only thing i feel i have control over *shrugs*)
  • dug through my food… for contamination…specifically hair.

I end up isolating myself during major OCD periods.

I’ll add another post with more specific examples of my OCD!

AN IDLE MIND IS THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND

  • I feel like smashing things
  • Frustrated
  • mind feel crowded… i just want to tear away at my brain.. just to get the thoughts out, but idk what the thoughts are that i am searching for.
  • nothing ever feels right
  • i want to cut my skin with a razor
  • i don’t feel alive
  • paranoid
  • looking for signs (psychosis? or some kind of religious thought?)
  • I feel like i am question constantly.. debating with my thoughts about what is an actual possibility and what is not… like reality vs paranoia/hallucination/delusion
  • intrusive thoughts (probably part of my OCD and GAD)

I seem to be doing a lot of pinpoint…i can’t get all my thoughts out.

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HYPOMANIC NOW?!?!?!?

-The week before i was seeing a black cat in the corner of my eye playing or watching me.-

Black cats symbolize luck and gambling luck for me; was my mind warning me that i might be going from mixed state to manic state?

i am really happy
go lucky
giggily i feel like i need to do something great
like everything is fucking mundane and i can’t concentrate
and idk if this makes sense.. i feel like pulling out my head like my brain is just ugh
i feel like i need to dig in my brain for something

it’s like that empty feeling u get when manic like nothing makes sense.. and u have no clue what’s on ur mind
but u freaking want to go a million miles per hours cuz u feel bored out of ur mind

I keep feeling like talking about my self i just have to talk about myself even though i got nothing to say.

also a bit paranoid (?)

I feel like throwing my meds to the curb cuz i’m urging for the high. But, i am staying with my new med, 300mg of seroquel.

The doctor said under his breath.. “600mg is what treats mania.” And i told him i was in a mixed state and i am always in a mixed state before mania… so why did he give me just 300mg? Should i double up on my accords? He’s fucking with me.. all these doctors are fucking with me…